When I was

When I was five
I watched my mother
dress up in patent heels
and satin dresses
and wished I would be just like her

When I was ten
I watched my mother shut down
from the world around her
like her world had just collapsed
and wished I was never as sad as her

When I was fifteen
I watched my mother yell and scream
about my hair, the clothes—
the boy I brought home
and I wished she’d just shut up

When I was twenty
I watched my mother scrimp and save—
scrub other people’s floors
just so I could marry
and I wished she wouldn’t have to

When I was twenty-five
I watched my mother
hold my baby—
kiss her tiny hands and feet
and wished she’d live forever

When I was thirty
I watched my mother
take her last breath
and sleep
and wish that I would end up being
half the woman as she